chopin she ain't

My upstairs neighbor (not the crackhead) just got a keyboard. Unfortunately, she only knows how to play "Chopsticks." And there really isn't any way to make "Chopsticks" sound less chopsticky. Even if you play it really really fast or really really slow or add one of those variations that requires four hands. It's still "Chopsticks." And everyone knows "chopsticks" is Chinese for "really damn annoying."